Hi guys,

       Well, it’s that time of the year, eggs, bunnies, springtide (for the northern hemisphere), that Passover thing, and welcome back to that Jesus fellow. And in Bible belts, your KFC declaring HE IS RISEN. If I ever see this, I’m going in to find out if Colonel Sanders is back.

      Blogwise, well, I only got a 26 views last post. I didn’t help much not posting about it on ye olde Tweeter on Sunday, but I think I’d only get a few more views. Turns out my religious posts don’t get as many views as some of my others. Not complaining… Okay, maybe I am. But I won’t address it for now, I’ll work on it.

      But I will say that’s another Lent out of the way, and I’ll have to work on diet better next year. Let’s just say I crash dieted, and kinda wrecked myself along the way. Iron deficiency from no meat, I think, and I might be addicted to dairy and having withdrawals. But I’m a bit Psalmed and propheted up and that counts for something.

      So, where to this post? I really don’t know. I’ve written Monday and Wednesday, start of another side project, #WriterLife, so there’s a start after a stagnation, and stagnation on TWO. Guess it just needs its time to flow onto the page. It’s Lebanese charcoal barbeque today (shout out to the GF and her family), so gotta go for a walk afterwards. All in all, it’s been an okay week, and so far, I feel okay.

      Back to that pesky where to question. Stuff it, I’m feeling expansive.

      Last Friday I had a horrible feeling. I still don’t know what brought it about, waking too early, being so protein free for Lent, work getting me down, finding homily rambly, prayers not quite working out, I really don’t know. But a thought struck me – I’m out of control.

      Sure, I brought it up with the GF. Not wholly, I was reserved, just the basics, but that was a fair bit of me speaking up. And that’s one of my things, part nervousness, part shyness, and part isolationness. Let’s just say I cut a lonely figure, quite a habitual rut I drag myself through a lot.

      Sure, got noted on my confidence and curiosity at work back when we started the customer service award program. And I have that Mister Confidence mask I wear. Ask the GF, I’m foot forward. I just don’t feel it at times, and at others, there’s feeling fake. Telling my uncomfortable moments? Yeah, good luck that coming out.

      But I said it to the GF, explained it, if in brief bloke directness. And I brought it up in couples therapy (chillax, it’s all good, this is for building the relationship, with communication, empathy, all the good stuff). And I survived digging deeper into it, even though I really couldn’t explain what was behind it… And felt crap about that.

      I still don’t know what made me feel out of control. Maybe it came on the heels of another one of my epiphanies, not being in control of the world – like in traffic, things happening at work – and the decision to throw that up to my homie upstairs. Maybe my week just got to me (yeah, it was one of those work weeks), and it was a delayed reaction. Okay, all of that.

      All I know is it hit me fast, and fled after telling the GF and having a coffee. And there I was in the session, struggling to explain it, sore because I couldn’t, sore feeling a bit to a lot misunderstood, but all-in-all truthful, honest, open before the GF, and one of more than a couple of times this fortnight I’ve revealed things.

      Vulnerability is hard, especially when it’s ingrained that weakness is something to be despised, or kept quiet about, and when you find or sense no healthy avenue for it. It’s all part and parcel of my, I’ll say it, troubled life. It’s not as troubled as some, and I make sure to remind myself of those going through the same or worse – pain is valid – but it has hurt, and at times I don’t feel worthy of the good thoughts and things.

      Perhaps I’ve done the vulnerability wrong. Three Ways is quite expansive on some actual pains of mine, and going into it here – not in full detail – is quite above and beyond openness. But it’s what makes this writer, soz, author, and this blog is an exercise in what makes me tick. I only hope it’s not just a mere story but it reaches someone on a more visceral level.

      I don’t know what else to say. But this is an exercise I’ll come back to, even if I dull out and skip off into the wilderness – another thing of mine. Three Ways is a story I’ll just finish and get out there. Mister Side Project is hopefully  one I need to get out there. And just maybe I can grow in this relationship – well, that’s more than a maybe, things are great there.

       ‘Til next time, Happy Easter, whatever your Easter may be, have a good one!

      T.M.