Welp, I’m On A Break

       Hi guys,

      Yes, that P instead of an L is correct. All the kids are up in that on ye olde internette, except it’s usually an expression of woe is me. Well, it is a little woe is me, thanks to the Golden Crowned Lurgy.

      And yes I’m on holiday. No, not over to see that 99% well-behaved son of mine. Still a travel ban here in Oz and after a quick pray sesh (that’s session, my non-Aussie friends) I really didn’t feel I’d get an exemption. It wasn’t like I was off to fight the GCL on the frontline with Medecins Sans Frontieres.

      So, sadly, that Daddy’s In Town dinner at IHOP will have to wait until next year, hopefully on the back of a vaccine or at least no travel ban.

      Still, I need the break. And a break from Sydney. Hello, Broke in the Hunter Valley, I’m going to visit you, taste some wines, and bring them back. Kinda pricey but, well, why not?

      Okay, I don’t really know what to blog about this week, being a day late, and nothing like last week’s blog to offer, except offer guest blog space on my off weeks – need some audience and reach, and to entertain you lot (admit it, you like content, lot’s of content!). Who knows how it will go? I’ve had one person ask about it but nothing from it. No response 1, Trent meh. Oh well.

      You know what? The need of breaks. Me, to paraphrase Hamilton (King George III is my ringtone now lol), I’m running like I’m running out of time. Maybe it’s not drinking water during the day and before bed, but resting is hard even getting ten hours’ sleep, and feeling fresh in the morning. I can be wiped by the hometime bell, not wanting to rosary it up afterwards, just wanting to vegetate, too lazy to game, watch a movie, read Moby Dick.

      No, we’re not built for long-term stress, living on edge, slaving away on the edge of panic. Throw in the GCL, travel bans, quarantines, border closures, getting the Total Recall nose treatment, financial help missing casualised workforces, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yeah, I’ll call it that, while certain right-minded (emphasis on the right) individuals, businesspeople, and politicians have a whinge about the pandemic reality – and add to the problem.

      It’s an interesting world to see. All thing considered, I’m rather pragmatic about it, this new normal in the world being my normal for the past, well, 20 years. Yes, I’m concerned, gobsmacked about Victoria, the situations overseas. But, it really is just another day for me.

      Enough of me, how do we do breaks in the face of the Gojira of colds and flus? Victoria has a curfew, and Melburnians just can’t duck off to the Yarra Valley like I can nip up the Hunter. How do we do breaks in general? Parts of this world won’t have the luck of Jobkeeper, and are still stuck in the “joy” of wars, famines, neglect of the poor. Why am I/we so lucky, when others aren’t?

      I’m sorry I don’t have the answer, or the means to get everyone a break. Well, I do, but it’s a manic dream of a step to the left, no more blowing each other up, getting back to the imperfect ideals of commonwealths, equity and equality.

      Maybe we can aim for that stuff, taking breaks, rather than racing headlong to, “Cheer up, Jack, I’m alright.” Maybe that’s the silver lining of the Golden Crowned Lurgy, if we look for it. For now, I’ll leave it there, on the hope of a good one, and with links to my last post, and my Three Ways self-interview.

      T.M.

Justice, Sometimes, Be Done

      The following relates to me being sexually abused as a child. If you have been harmed now, or in the past, please seek support if you need it, and report if you can - you're worth it.

      Hi guys,

      Well, it’s been three weeks. Yes, no more fortnight blogging, just to be fair to myself. Also being fair to myself, adding a bunch of Trek to my movie collection (I watched Into Cheapness last night. Derivative as hell, I’ll keep my Wrath of Khaaaaaaaaan!). Not being fair to myself, skipping recovery meetings. I’ll crawl back Sunday.

      Life is a bit mixed for me. #Bipolar. #MessedUp. #Hurt. There’s pains there I wouldn’t wish on anybody, and while there are people worse off than me, it’s hurt more than you can imagine. Somehow, I’ve scraped through it all. #Survival. This week, some of those pains were resolved.

      I’m a child sex abuse survivor. And last year, I made the decision to apply for the redress scheme here in Australia. I’d already gone through EMDR therapy for the flashbacks. I’d latched onto forgiveness for my abuser. But it was a huge step to apply, because I didn’t feel worth it; it took a lot of self-convincing, and it was a couple of months before I actually did it.

      But, at last, I had the statutory declaration signed, scanned, attached, and pressed the magic apply button. And in the moment that followed, I decided to go forward to Police, and make a report. I’d gone one step, why not the next?

      A week later, I spent an awful three hours with the detective. I was scared to go in, my GF at the time said I looked brave, but I felt like S. H. I. T. After a long crawl detailing the incidents (yes, plural), I was free to go, and home I went. Harrowed to say the least, the worst of it was my mother’s “help” (with a comment that broke my heart). I’ll spare the details, but yeah, not how you help your son out. And the wait began.

      Tuesday, I got a call on a private number, Human Services; after the identifying bit, the National Redress Scheme. My application was successful, all I had to do was select if I wanted a compensation payment, therapy, and a personal apology. Success, “Thanks,” and, “Goodbye.” And the world went dark.

      You’d think relief at the success. No, I went to deep meh. But knew I had to go through it, whether I understood it or not. Good old time to pray, “I don’t know what I need, show me what I need.” Evidently an outreach call, never mind there’s a GF saying I can speak to them whatever, but I really needed that other voice. Another day, more dark, and I held on; and that night, the feelings – I’m being vengeful, I’m not worth it.

      That understanding, the call advice, “Feelings aren’t forever,” and a good night’s sleep, boosted me Thursday. My resolve was to sign the paperwork and send it back as soon as I got it, no matter that vengeance/unworth. I got it Friday, signed, and sent it on its way – compensation and therapy, please, hold the apology (I think it’d ring hollow).

      Then got another call from a private number, the detectives. They’d charged my abuser, and the next step is the wait for court. Based on what I know of previous cases, and what I was told by the detective, justice be done. 

      I’m not celebratory. It’s not right, not when others might not get redress (or have it stretched out unnecessarily), not when others may not even see charges laid (it’s only one out of my three abusers), not when others are scared to report (I said in tears when the abuses were found out back in 1994, “Nothing happened,” and lied to the detective on the phone).

      Okay, I’ll stop pretending it’s about me, because these are the people I’m thinking of. Justice might be there, but it’s not always done, or sought, and sometimes gets thrown out, for various reasons. My outcome is a drop in a big ocean I wish wasn’t there, and I wish I could throw floaty rings in as needed.

      It’s my hope that, in this current world of reporting, of news of reporting, even despite losses, that those afraid will find strength – and support – to report. Can it be your hope, too? And something you can speak for?

      I’ll leave it there, and skip the usual good one – it’s heavy, and there are those who won’t see good come.

      Take care,

      T.M.

After a Time in the Wilderness

      Hi guys,

      Long time, no blog! Yes, it’s been like that. Okay, it’s not the Golden Crowned Lurgy keeping me down. I might’ve blogged more if that was the case. But life’s been, well, interesting, not very writey, but I’m making some headway into The Ways Out – chapter three, baby!

      So, how does it feel getting onto book two when I haven’t gotten anywhere on selling, much less advertising, The Ways In? And noting my style has tightened, and in a sudden side project (#writerlife) has seen me get even more economical? And that life’s been a bit more alluring than writing, and going to church?

      Okay, I really don’t know where I’m going with this blog. But in the spirit of perseverance, here goes answering.

      I feel weird writing TWO. In fact, I felt like I had to re-write the two chapters I’d already committed. Thanks to a text narrator read through, these read well, and are sitting much better with me now. Just a niggling doubt now, but I think I can leave that until editing.

      The weirdness kept me writing just snippets at a time. Today is almost two pages, when courtesy of a conversation that ended with “Can’t wait to read your next blog post,” I turned to writing this. Back to TWO, post readthrough, it doesn’t feel like I’ve gone bits at a time. But where I had planned a one page get through to a main moment, it’s stretched to two pages and I don’t know how long the next moment is going to take.

      In fact, I’m plotted out until the end, but found I have too much going on for the chapters I had planned. The aim was 23 chapters, same as with part one, but I think there’s going to be a few extra chapters by the time I’m done, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

      Maybe I’m just being hard on myself. Maybe those parts of life that seem good, that have kept me company in recent weeks, have just been too alluring to get into writing. I think I let things get between me and the writing, and that much needed me-time. Or it was really just my meds change that was screwing with my sleep. Or everything, thrown in with pure lazy. I’m complex like that.

      I’ll leave it there, don’t want to wallow. But I’m going to plan to blog three weeks from now, let go of the ambition and leave myself room to keep it meaningful. Oh, and being that wonder of tax time, do that all important return, and spend some money on an editor and a cover – I need one for Smashwords.

      And a Jesus fish and a Darwin axolotl. And there’s a blog smile :D.

      Hope to be back to this sooner, and a bit more twittery to boot.

      Have a good one!

      T.M.

Disconnection

      Just a pleasant twist of the arm before I start, Three Ways: The Ways In is now available, check out the first chapter here, and get your copy on Amazon Australia, Amazon Canada, Amazon UK, and Amazon US! 

      Hi guys,

      Yep, I missed last fortnight. Nope, I was not in a blogging mood. Things have been, well, interesting and tiring me out. The joys of taking on other roles courtesy of the Golden Crowned Lurgy… and losing hours courtesy of the Golden Crowned Lurgy.

      Yes, COVID19 has finally hit my wallet, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Don’t get me wrong, I get it, a business’ role is to continue indefinitely into the future. Though why I’m losing a certain amount and the big boss half that is beyond me. Guess I’m a little jealous. It’s just, well… it just is. So, GCL 1, Trent meh.

      It’s not the end of the world, I’ve taken my measures to stay above water, so I can say I’m lucky in that regard. How many are unlucky? I don’t know. But I do miss my colleagues, and it’s a lonely time at the desk. Running is okay – ooh, did I mention I’m running food again?! – but, yeah, still lonely.

      So, what does anything of this have to do with disconnection? Given I’ve been okay with 

online church services, zoom recovery, a friend’s zoom sermon last night? It’s in me.

      I haven’t been writing very well. What little I’ve done on The Ways Out is bore-inspiring. Not the writing, that’s on point, and the chapters are going in a direction I like. The motivation has been, well… it just is. Writer’s Block 1, Trent meh.

      But I’ve had a killer cyberpunk idea that would likely stretch into a series, I sat down to a fantasy with an epic fight against wild boars that’s probably going to stretch into a series with GOT level background, and I want to write action, just not the one idea I want to do. But… I don’t know. Am I missing out with no sales of TWI? Am I just approaching TWO against the back to front direction I had planned?

      Knowing me, it’s probably a mix of things, hit home in my work change that’s playing up with my bipolar, and spurred on by that lack of sales. And being my story, nobody reading is purpose. Oh, and speaking of bipolar, it’s a dosage change on the cards, I don’t know if I’m yay or neigh.

      Yeah, that’s a deliberate play on words. All meh aside, I can still smile, still connect, still serve customers while feeling this disconnect in myself and in the post-GCL world…

      Sometimes, I feel fake – good old impostor syndrome. It takes a lot of energy to be on display as I am, though I am managing the busy and only serve one customer at a time, even with the phone ringing. It’s doable but has some weight. Hell, it takes a lot of energy just to be me, even when I sit down to write, or have a very awkward question put to me by a dating match – no, I’m not going there, but, yeah, it was, just, well…

      I’m going with everything is playing up on me now. I’ll just sift through the pieces as I go, put the puzzle together when I can, and worry about today. At least I know I’m connected to that.

      Here’s to another fortnight, catch you again soon, and have a good one,

     T.M.

Easter Irony, That Book I Wrote, and Me

      Hi guys,

      Well, it’s formally Easter (though it’s been Lentmas since mid-January, eggs and buns ahoy) – Oh, Western Christian Easter, Orthodox Easter is next week. And past three live-streamed mass from near-empty churches courtesy of the Golden Crowned Lurgy, yeah, I feel a part of the service, despite no bite of the bread or sip of the wine…

      Okay, I only got as far as the homily in the St Mary’s Sydney Good Friday service, when the Archbishop decided to decry technology, science, and governance. Ironically through the medium of technology, brought to us by science, from the mouth of someone who is part of a governing body.

      I get it, look to Christ in times of trial. But in the age of Golden-Crowned Lurgy, maybe it’s find Christ in scientists using technology to develop and test a vaccine, in governance showing leadership and steering us to reduced viral transmission.

      It’s no wonder the Church can be seen as out of touch. Admittedly, one Archbishop isn’t the whole Church, and one Bishop saying Coronavirus is a product of a deeper malaise (I see it as an opportunity to address that deeper malaise – carelessness towards the poor, the suffering, etc.).

      Anyway, the Bishop and the Priest’s homilies in my local diocese Saturday and today were better and more on point to the times we’re in. It is my mistake Friday to let a viewpoint put me off the service, the message that technology, science, government, while they can be used for good, can also do the gravest evil. But the Church has done evil, too, so I see the holistics.

      But Happy Easter, blessings of new life and grace to all. Sure that sounds religious, but that’s what recovery is, too, shame to grace, a fellowship to know and live with. Spiritual is the word. And while religion is all spirit, not all spirit is religion. And there’s the good one I usually wish, a warm gift.

      And how’s Three Ways? Going absolutely nowhere really slow. Sod it, I have a reader, and this side of tax time I have designs on a cover artist, maybe an editor, but after the car service, paying off the credit card – okay, part of paying off the credit card. The breaks of being a poor artist. But anyway, here’s my release and self-interview post, and here’s the chapter one tease. And fingers crossed, maybe you’ll click the buy button. Here’s hoping.

      And as I was going to link last fortnight, here’s my other big posts of first quarter, Gifts, and Writing Myself In. It feels a better time for it.

      And me? I’m doing well. I’m past the disconnect of online recovery, and already two meetings up and going for the third tonight. It might be ahead of where I’m at, and I might be bailing the meeting right on finish again, I know it’ll be glad for it.

      So, there it is. Nothing more to add. Hope you’re all safe and healthy, but let us remember the sick and those who lost their battle to the Lurgy, think of the poor and needy, and can come out of this crisis more human than when we went in.

      All the best,

      T.M.